Updated: Dec 12, 2021
I had a crush on this guy who was tall, handsome, silly, educated with an HBCU degree, employed, lived alone, and had a car. He and I communicated daily via text messages, calls, and FaceTime. He was my long distance bae. After a few weeks of our ‘talking stage’, we scheduled for him to visit me in New Jersey and have a weekend filled with dates. He visited and we went out but to make a long story short, we didn’t work out.
After this, I had reached a point of annoyance. Not just with this situation but it seemed that every time I gave dating a chance and got excited about a guy, things went wrong. Why do I keep meeting duds? What am I doing wrong? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not flirtatious enough or am I doing too much? Is dating a skill that I’m not good at? I mean, it’s been forever since I’ve had a legit relationship. I needed answers and perhaps, I needed help with this journey.
After this situation- ship, I reached out to my brother for dating advice, which is not what I usually do. I typically call my girl friends to go off or cry about things a guy did wrong or annoyances I have with myself but I opted to pull myself out of this cycle especially since I wanted to see a change.
My brother offered to meet with me. I confirmed the time and suddenly became hella anxious realizing that I’d be sitting in front of my brother, who I never talk about guys with, discussing my horrible dating life.
My mind went on a tangent second guessing having reached out to my brother.
“Yaya WTH! This is what you need.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
This is your brother who loves and cares for you. You better go!”
What words would come from my mouth? How would my brother perceive me? What would he advise me of or say I was doing wrong?
Despite my worries, my discussion with my brother went better than I assumed. I appreciated every single gem he dropped so much so, I hopped on my laptop as soon as I got home and typed down all I could recall. While I’m not going to give away the entire manual, here’s some insight I received that night and put into play:
Work on not taking everything personally. Just be yourself and enjoy the process. Dating is a time for you to figure out what it is that you dislike. Rarely does anyone know exactly what they want in a relationship or from another person however, we can roll out lists of things we cannot stand or don’t want to put up with.
Eggs and Baskets
With that being said, keep your options open. Getting to know one person at a time can be a waste of time. Think about it. When applying for jobs, you never go for one at a time. You keep your options open and the job that offers the best package is the one you’ll accept, right? Remember everything you have to offer. Remember who you are and your worth. Know that you are good on your own and this person is an added bonus if that person proves to be that for you.
People always say, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Keep collecting the baskets or as many people like to say, add to your roster, and keep your rotation going until you choose the basket you like and that same basket chooses you. Some people say they're single until there’s a discussion about monogamy. Others choose to be single until they’re married. At the end of the day, the choice is your own. Think for yourself and have open conversations with your potential partners about what your intentions are.
Be sure to set standards in the beginning and stick to them. Allow the person vetting you to step up to the plate. Allow them to pick you up, take you to places you want to go to but be sure not to downgrade whatever you want while dating from your potential boo- thing. Stick to your standards at all times. If you like 4- stars and better venues, make that your non-negotiable. If you like daily check ins and evening phone calls, don’t be afraid to let him know. Guys always present their best self at the beginning so whatever is missing at that time (i.e. chivalry) then, nine times out of ten, it may be missing later in the game. See him for who he is.
A person who is into you and wants to take you seriously will abide by the things you want and the person who has a problem with your standards will chuck the deuces. Just know that when they make their way out, it’s never a loss; it’s a lesson learned. It’s better to have high standards and cross some off your list as you see fit opposed to never having any and later trying to switch up, which is exactly how that person may see it.
With this, I decided to jot down my dating standards and some traits I would like to see in a potential partner. What are your standards?
Too many times, I’ve found myself dealing with guys who didn’t fit the bill so I’d shrug my shoulders believing…. This isn’t how things should be. If a person can’t meet your standards especially in the preliminary stages, why hold onto that person? Would you stay at a job where you’re not getting what you want or at a restaurant who’s food isn’t hyping up your tastebuds? I know you said no, right? Don’t settle. There is no need to rush into a relationship with someone if the union or energy between you two is not satisfying or giving you what your heart desires.
Here and Now
When dating, it’s easy to look at someone’s potential, get googly eyes, and have your head over heels for what’s to come. Try to avoid future talk. Take things day by day because in many cases, that’s what the guy is doing, especially in the beginning. Remember you just met this person and only time will allow you to learn who he really is. There’s no need to rush the process. If you’re on a call, enjoy that phone call. If you are on a date, enjoy that date. Live in the moment. If he wants to speak with or see you again, he will reach out to you and make plans for you two to go out again. A man who wants to date you will show interest and put forth effort. Dating is an investment. Dating takes time.
Patience will unlock the door
The thing that sucks about dating is your knight in shining armor may not arrive ASAP. You may have to kiss hella frogs or sit alone in a tower many nights until he comes. You’re going to be liked by guys who you cannot see yourself with. There will be guys you’ll want to be with who aren’t going to want to be with you and that’s okay. Dating is a gamble. You are going to win some and some will fall by the waste side because we don’t lose ‘round these parts. Just remember to not give up and don’t give in just to have something with someone. Protect your energy and time.
Remember to tread lightly and keep your confidence and self esteem in a holster. Many of us are guilty of being slapped by devastation, depression, and bantering questions when a guy opts to ghost us. Why allow someone who cut you off to put you down? A person who is unwilling to express themselves to you is showing you that he is not deserving of your time. Don’t blame yourself. A guy ghosting has everything to do about his character opposed to your own. Yeah, you can wonder but don’t sit in it too long. Gather yourself and keep it pushing. On to the next suitor.
I remember I used to hide when I saw someone I used to date in public. I didn’t want to be in a situation where I’d have to speak with that person, especially if they were a ghost from my past. I never knew what to say or if I should even say anything. My uncertainty was due to me taking blame for each situation that hadn’t worked out. There is no reason to hide. If you see an old fling, it’s okay to say hello. It’s okay to be seen. You did nothing wrong. Live your life and keep it pushing.
All in all, it is important to learn discernment and reflection. Be able to sit back and look at a situation and the person for what it actually is opposed to what you want it to be. Learn to have a perception in the absence of judgement with a view to obtain direction. Learn to look back at your dating encounters and observe what went well and what can be done better in your next situation. Understand that it takes at least two (not everyone is monogamous) to tango. All persons involved have to bring something to the table. All persons involved have to want what is being offered. You cannot force a connection. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be but effort has to be given in order for your bond to work and be sustained.
You hold the power!!!! Besides, everyone knows Vagina is stronger than Penis